His story
Napoleon Zzz (the Zzz is silent) was born tired. As a baby he slept through his own birth announcement. As a student he graduated magna cum nap. As a Senator from the great state of Drowsiana, he became a legend the day he launched an 11-day filibuster by simply falling asleep at the podium. C-SPAN's cameras stayed on him the entire time. Forty million people watched. Nothing happened. It remains the most-watched thing in C-SPAN history.
He has slept through his own wedding. Twice. (They rescheduled. He slept through that one too, so they just married him to the pillow.) He holds the world record for longest snooze-button streak: 4 hours, 27 snoozes, one very confused alarm clock. His autobiography, Do Not Disturb, is 300 blank pages and a nap schedule. Critics called it "his most honest work."
Now he runs for president on the 33 Percenters ticket, because somebody had to, and everybody else was asleep. His platform: mandatory naps, snacks at every meeting, no mornings. His running mate is a pillow named Pillow. His acceptance speech, delivered entirely as one long snore, has been described as "saying more than most speeches." Vote Nap 2026.
