Where the city came to soak. Entry was free. The gossip was priceless.
Three days before the IdesVol. MMXXVI · Baths SpecialPrice: two copper coins
Docket No. B-001 · Filed from the deep end
Nine pools. One temperature: soup.
The baths were the living room of Romula. Vast pools of steaming water under painted ceilings, mosaic floors warm under bare feet, and conversation that flowed easier than the aqueducts. Deals were made here. Friendships were sealed here. Some naps were legendary here. The water, by ancient custom and later by actual law, was kept at the temperature of a good soup.
The Grand Pool at midday. The steam is load-bearing.
Regulation · Posted at every entrance
Bathhouse Etiquette
As codified by the Ministry of Marble, with amendments by persons unknown
No conducting Senate business in the deep end. The acoustics carry, and last month's budget debate echoed for a week. Everyone now knows how Senator Snoozicus feels about tariffs.
Towels are provided. Togas are not towels. This rule exists because of one specific incident. You know who you are, Flavius.
If Flavius Fullbelly enters your pool, it is now the shallow end. Move accordingly and without comment. He has seniority and he has earned it.
No feeding the pigeons. They are unionized and they know their rights. A crumb is a contract.
Naps longer than one hour require a permit from the Keeper of the Afternoon Nap. He will be asleep. Apply anyway. He processes permits in his dreams.
The cold plunge is for the brave and the punished. You know which one you are.
Investigation · The Digest went in
The Cold Plunge
In the far corner of the baths, past the steam and the laughter, sits a small square pool of water so cold it has its own weather. This is the Cold Plunge, and it serves two populations: the brave, who enter voluntarily at dawn, and the punished, who are sent by the Senate after filibustering past lunch.
Senator Snoozicus holds the record: eleven minutes, during which he reportedly achieved total clarity about the tariff question and immediately forgot it upon warming up. Plinius the Nosy calls the plunge "the only honest place in Romula." His scroll on the subject is forty pages long and damp.
Official review · Office of the Chief Inspector of Lunch
Flavius's Review of the Baths
I have now soaked in all nine pools, some of them twice, in the interest of thoroughness. Findings: the water is perfect. The attendants are attentive. The steam has a lovely character.
The lunch served poolside, however, was too small. I have ordered the poolside lunch to be served twice going forward. This is what oversight looks like.
Rating: five stars. Would soak again. Will soak again. Am soaking as I write this.
Flavius Fullbelly, Chief Inspector of Lunch. Dictated from the deep end.
