Law I
The baths shall be kept at the temperature of a good soup.
Adequate soup is for fountains. Great soup is a personal matter. Good soup is the law.
Docket No. L-001 · Chiseled in marble, as required
The complete legal code.
Every law of Romula, all twelve of them, carved into stone tablets in the forum where everyone could read them and nobody did. Plinius the Nosy has footnoted each one. His footnotes are legally binding when stamped. They are always stamped.
Law II
No citizen shall be disturbed during the afternoon nap.
This includes the Keeper of the Afternoon Nap. Especially the Keeper of the Afternoon Nap. He is doing the most important work in the city.
Law III
The pigeons' union shall not be disbanded.
Nor disrespected, nor shorted on breadcrumbs. Any citizen may file a grievance with the union. The pigeons will get back to you. They always do. Usually at dawn. Loudly.
Law IV
All marble is the property of Marmora, goddess of marble.
The city holds it on permanent loan. Rent is one polishing cloth per evening, left at the temple door. The Minister of Marble has never missed a payment.
Law V
No meetings before second lunch.
First lunch is for eating. Second lunch is for deciding. Any decision made before second lunch may be appealed over third lunch.
Law VI
Every fountain must sing.
Silent fountains are fined one copper coin per day of silence. The Minister of Fountains tunes them each morning. The fine has never been collected. The singing has never stopped.
Law VII
All naps longer than one hour must be registered.
Registration is with the Keeper of the Afternoon Nap. He will be asleep. Register anyway. He processes permits in his dreams, and his dreams have never once been overturned on appeal.
Law VIII
The Senate shall adjourn at the smell of lunch.
No exceptions. There have been no exceptions. The official Senate nose is rotated monthly and compensated with lunch.
Law IX
The chariot races are sacred.
The tortoise division is exhibition only. The tortoise has won twice. Both victories stand. The tortoise division remains exhibition only.
Law X
Plinius the Nosy's footnotes are legally binding.
When stamped. They are always stamped. Appeals may be filed with Livius the Boring. No appeal has ever been completed. The appellants fell asleep.
Law XI
Livius the Boring's history is the official history.
Reading it is not required. No one has. The twelve volumes remain the law of the land and the dustiest objects in it.
Law XII
In the event of the city's fall, E2 shall rise.
This law is pre-approved, pre-stamped, and pre-celebrated. The celebration is scheduled for the morning after the fall, right after first lunch.
Plinius's footnote: I was against this law until I read it. Then I stamped it. Then I framed it.
Romula fell.
E2 rose.